i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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