she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
