I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
