i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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