I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This is my gift to your gina
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
