Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
