Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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