I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
