I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
