I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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