Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
