it's too hot outside to masturbate.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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