I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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