My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
