I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
