i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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