He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
