I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
