I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
