you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
