I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He told me they were just razor bumps!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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