Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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