dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
