dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
