My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
