Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
