After last night, I could never be a politician.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
