FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
