I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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