I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
