Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
