You made me cry and you don't even care
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
