I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
