At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It was confusing and full of hummus
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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