Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
