My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
