Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
