i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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