Having a random hookup so left but love u
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
