So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
