i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
