Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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