I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
