My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
