My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I need moral support for this bender
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
