Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
