I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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