just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
