It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
