I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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