I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
