pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
