Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
