The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
