well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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