I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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